I want to share a little window into my heart of when I decided to re-pursue Heidi on the other side of the world. Yes, I said re-pursue.
Some of you know the story, but not what was happening behind the scenes. After a year of dating (mostly long distance), Heidi decided to call off the relationship. It wasn't easy for both of us. We decided it would be best for healing purposes to close off contact for a good amount of time. So we did. We did not talk to each other for almost a year. So what happened in that year?
From my end, there were lots of questions... What is she looking for? What did we do wrong? What did I do wrong? I did not get specific answers to these questions during the break up. I did not ask them verbally; but I certainly asked them internally to myself . The only answer I had was she just knew her heart wasn't where it needed to be with the relationship.
I'm going to share a few things I'm not proud of. But I don't think it is uncommon. And my goal is that you might identify with my tendencies or even better not make the same mistakes I did. There were moments that I felt secure and confident in my new direction and there were moments I wanted her back. I was also angry. Angry with the entire dating philosophy our culture imposes on us. Angry that I was nit-picked and evaluated on a demeaning and inconsequential level. American dating misses the forest for the trees, I found myself saying. (I still believe that, by the way.) Heidi is also 7 years older than I. How could she be so meticulously exacting and choosy, especially at her age? Since she deeply longs for marriage and a family, is she not afraid to be alone? Is she not afraid these opportunities are passing her by? Very soon she probably will be, I thought. And I told myself (this is the part I'm not proud of), 'let's see what patience and perhaps a little fear might produce.'
Six months went by. Nine months. Just short of a year later, I received a difficult message from her. Fear was indeed surrounding her. But, of course, it brought no healing or resolution to her heart. Just more questions. She didn't want to let me go, but she was still afraid to move forward. I thought fear was going to be the ace up my sleeve, but I was beginning to see fear was actually the disease. And I was fueling it. Through the lens of fear she saw my function and didn't see me. All it produced was more confusion and more hesitation. I began to see the only antidote to fear would have to be trust. No matter how much I loved her, she needed Him more than me. I told her this really isn't about me, its about releasing your old fears (fears that many of us struggle with). It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to let go of, but I told her: When you give it to the Lord, you'll see it's really fear pulling you back to me, and not anything more.
It's fascinating that God gave me exactly what I wanted and even gave it through my own contrived methods, and I found myself in the end horribly dissatisfied. I think God does this a lot. Has he ever done that in your life? For me, it was as if God was saying: “Oh you want it that way? Here you go. Taste what that is like.” I hated the taste. I hated what it brought.
More months. More questions. How does God pursue us, Anthony? How does God redeem us? Romans 2:4 - “the kindness of God leads us to repentance.” That's a strange idea... The kindness of God leads us to lots of things: like our love for Him, our appreciation of Him, our joy in Him... but repentance? What makes a guilty criminal regret his actions? The kindness of the judge or the punishment sentenced by the judge? What makes a person regret his anger or his smoking habits? Is it not more obvious to say: “fear leads us to repentance”? Fear was supposed to make her regret pushing me away. On some level it did, but true healing and redemption were still very far away.
After two months answers began to form. Pursue her Anthony the way I pursued you. Unconditional kindness. A freedom came over me, along with many tears. I was overcome with emotion in the middle of the Costco parking lot =) You were right all along, Lord. It doesn't matter what she says, I will show this to her. I will pursue her your way now. In Sept 2012, I flew to India to tell her this. To tell her I still loved her. I felt free, no matter her answer, that I was showing her a pure love –a love that casts out fear.
_____
Interesting post-script: A few months after we were engaged she unexpectedly said, “I need to tell you something Anthony. I'm sorry for some of the ways I treated you last year...” The healing and redemption through it all was unimaginably beautiful.
I was brought to choose between “fear or something more.” And everything I thought only fear would bring, was only brought forward by “something more.”
Some of you know the story, but not what was happening behind the scenes. After a year of dating (mostly long distance), Heidi decided to call off the relationship. It wasn't easy for both of us. We decided it would be best for healing purposes to close off contact for a good amount of time. So we did. We did not talk to each other for almost a year. So what happened in that year?
From my end, there were lots of questions... What is she looking for? What did we do wrong? What did I do wrong? I did not get specific answers to these questions during the break up. I did not ask them verbally; but I certainly asked them internally to myself . The only answer I had was she just knew her heart wasn't where it needed to be with the relationship.
I'm going to share a few things I'm not proud of. But I don't think it is uncommon. And my goal is that you might identify with my tendencies or even better not make the same mistakes I did. There were moments that I felt secure and confident in my new direction and there were moments I wanted her back. I was also angry. Angry with the entire dating philosophy our culture imposes on us. Angry that I was nit-picked and evaluated on a demeaning and inconsequential level. American dating misses the forest for the trees, I found myself saying. (I still believe that, by the way.) Heidi is also 7 years older than I. How could she be so meticulously exacting and choosy, especially at her age? Since she deeply longs for marriage and a family, is she not afraid to be alone? Is she not afraid these opportunities are passing her by? Very soon she probably will be, I thought. And I told myself (this is the part I'm not proud of), 'let's see what patience and perhaps a little fear might produce.'
Six months went by. Nine months. Just short of a year later, I received a difficult message from her. Fear was indeed surrounding her. But, of course, it brought no healing or resolution to her heart. Just more questions. She didn't want to let me go, but she was still afraid to move forward. I thought fear was going to be the ace up my sleeve, but I was beginning to see fear was actually the disease. And I was fueling it. Through the lens of fear she saw my function and didn't see me. All it produced was more confusion and more hesitation. I began to see the only antidote to fear would have to be trust. No matter how much I loved her, she needed Him more than me. I told her this really isn't about me, its about releasing your old fears (fears that many of us struggle with). It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to let go of, but I told her: When you give it to the Lord, you'll see it's really fear pulling you back to me, and not anything more.
It's fascinating that God gave me exactly what I wanted and even gave it through my own contrived methods, and I found myself in the end horribly dissatisfied. I think God does this a lot. Has he ever done that in your life? For me, it was as if God was saying: “Oh you want it that way? Here you go. Taste what that is like.” I hated the taste. I hated what it brought.
More months. More questions. How does God pursue us, Anthony? How does God redeem us? Romans 2:4 - “the kindness of God leads us to repentance.” That's a strange idea... The kindness of God leads us to lots of things: like our love for Him, our appreciation of Him, our joy in Him... but repentance? What makes a guilty criminal regret his actions? The kindness of the judge or the punishment sentenced by the judge? What makes a person regret his anger or his smoking habits? Is it not more obvious to say: “fear leads us to repentance”? Fear was supposed to make her regret pushing me away. On some level it did, but true healing and redemption were still very far away.
After two months answers began to form. Pursue her Anthony the way I pursued you. Unconditional kindness. A freedom came over me, along with many tears. I was overcome with emotion in the middle of the Costco parking lot =) You were right all along, Lord. It doesn't matter what she says, I will show this to her. I will pursue her your way now. In Sept 2012, I flew to India to tell her this. To tell her I still loved her. I felt free, no matter her answer, that I was showing her a pure love –a love that casts out fear.
_____
Interesting post-script: A few months after we were engaged she unexpectedly said, “I need to tell you something Anthony. I'm sorry for some of the ways I treated you last year...” The healing and redemption through it all was unimaginably beautiful.
I was brought to choose between “fear or something more.” And everything I thought only fear would bring, was only brought forward by “something more.”
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